After nearly two months away from yoga, I cannot expect to be at my peak of performance. I also cannot expect to look like the yoga instructor (ever - not just after a hiatus!). I cannot even expect my body to fit right back into the feel of yoga without some protesting. This is all easy to know intellectually, but making this part of my emotional knowledge is more challenging. To be honest, one of the reasons I haven't been doing much yoga is that I know how it taps into my emotional body and I have been afraid to go there. I am holding so much in the knots and tight spaces in my body that I know once I start to loosen up in twists and openers I will be sobbing on the mat. I have wanted to deal with some of my pent up emotions first before prostrating myself on the mat.
But it is time.
I gave myself permission to not stress about getting to yoga, or doing any real workouts, for the last six weeks or so, because life was so busy and stressful and I just had to get through. I had to prioritize other things that had real deadlines, but now that those tasks have been accomplished, and the deadlines are past, I am committed to getting back to what I know makes me feel good.
So I have gained some weight and gotten a bit rusty and creaky. So what? Life happens.
I cannot judge myself against the younger woman who looks the way I want to look: she has probably had plenty of free time to devote to fitness (and rest), whereas I have had many obstacles in my way. I also cannot give up hope that I will achieve my goal someday (not the goal of looking like someone twenty years younger - that would be foolish - but the goal of feeling fitter, slimmer, and generally more like the version of me I know is under there).
I have to just be okay that I am a work in progress. I am not there yet, but I am on my way. And in the meantime, I am happy to be feeling good, happy to be making steps, and grateful to be back on the mat.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Long time, no sleep.
Ahh, sleep. My old friend, it has been too long. I mean serious sleep - deep, restful, no alarms anticipated, no interruptions - just the joy of waking slightly to roll over into the deep pillows and know I have nothing else to do but sleep some more.
Sleep my friend, I have missed you.
But now, with summer vacation officially here, and my days mostly open and unscheduled, I can re-acquaint myself with you. These past few days, I have enjoyed late morning sleep, when my body wakes me naturally at 6 but I do not allow myself to respond, setting my mental alarm for 8. It is a reverse alarm approach - I am not allowed to get up before a certain time, rather than not being allowed sleep past that time. It is an approach that erases all the stress associated with a morning schedule.
I have not yet enjoyed any naps, as the first few days of summer break have been busy with errands, Father's Day, family visits, and fun. But today, between the hours of now and later, there is nothing that I "must" do, so I may enjoy a mid-day snooze, if the breeze entices me and there seems to be a soft spot of sunlight to lay in. Either way, it will be a choice - a delicious decision to drift for a while, or a conscious choice to keep moving about my day. Today, there will be no overwhelming, heavy-body gravity pull towards the pillow that dictates the rest of my day. Today, I may want a nap, but I will not need a nap. That is a world of difference.
What's more, the allotment of at least 8 hours of sleep per night that I have required of myself the last few days has restored my energy and my motivation for exercise. My body is starting to wake up, literally and metaphorically. Deeper rest has led to a resurgence of vitality. I actually ran/walked for an hour yesterday and led a one-on-one yoga session. And then walked around the fair for three hours. No nap.
Today, a 75 minute heated yoga class actually seemed appealing. It was hard, but felt good. I made it through without dropping into child's pose. I liked it enough to look forward to going again. No more excuses, no more bargaining with myself. Just restorative sleep, followed by authentic vigor and desire for activity.
Now that's the way it should be.
Sleep my friend, I have missed you.
But now, with summer vacation officially here, and my days mostly open and unscheduled, I can re-acquaint myself with you. These past few days, I have enjoyed late morning sleep, when my body wakes me naturally at 6 but I do not allow myself to respond, setting my mental alarm for 8. It is a reverse alarm approach - I am not allowed to get up before a certain time, rather than not being allowed sleep past that time. It is an approach that erases all the stress associated with a morning schedule.
I have not yet enjoyed any naps, as the first few days of summer break have been busy with errands, Father's Day, family visits, and fun. But today, between the hours of now and later, there is nothing that I "must" do, so I may enjoy a mid-day snooze, if the breeze entices me and there seems to be a soft spot of sunlight to lay in. Either way, it will be a choice - a delicious decision to drift for a while, or a conscious choice to keep moving about my day. Today, there will be no overwhelming, heavy-body gravity pull towards the pillow that dictates the rest of my day. Today, I may want a nap, but I will not need a nap. That is a world of difference.
What's more, the allotment of at least 8 hours of sleep per night that I have required of myself the last few days has restored my energy and my motivation for exercise. My body is starting to wake up, literally and metaphorically. Deeper rest has led to a resurgence of vitality. I actually ran/walked for an hour yesterday and led a one-on-one yoga session. And then walked around the fair for three hours. No nap.
Today, a 75 minute heated yoga class actually seemed appealing. It was hard, but felt good. I made it through without dropping into child's pose. I liked it enough to look forward to going again. No more excuses, no more bargaining with myself. Just restorative sleep, followed by authentic vigor and desire for activity.
Now that's the way it should be.
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